so that wasnt chicken after all
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
