I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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