Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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