Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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