when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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