Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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