I wish I only lived at night.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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