i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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