Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
