She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
