Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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