I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
