How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
