Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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