9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize