I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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