So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
