dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
