he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
