found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
