My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
