I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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