how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
