I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
