i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize