My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
