More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am available for nakedness
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
