All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
