saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
