I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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