Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
