I hate your face
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
