Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
