Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My feet surprised me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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