May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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