There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize