This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
