how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
