mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
