lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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