very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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