So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
