is your mom at the bar?
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
