I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
