My hand turned me down
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
