I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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