My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
