i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize