I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
