you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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