We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
