he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
