She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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