Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
