I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
