you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
