Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
