happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
