I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Acid is not a monday night drug
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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