How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
