I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
