two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
