i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize