Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
